Monday, November 30, 2015

Being thankful

Kaixo readers,

Disclaimer, this post is personal and long, so if you are not interested in my struggles, feel free not to keep reading.

Thanksgiving break is long gone, and while it has been absolutely awesome, I have not been able to tell anyone what I'm thankful for. Not because I didn't have the chance, but because I really don't know if I should be thankful for the past year. Don't get me wrong, I am really thankful for my family and friends, having a job and all those things that have been a constant in my life. I am thankful for those things and for them not having changed.

However, when I read everyone's posts giving thanks, surrounded by happiness and joy, I felt that I could not share that feeling. This year has been the most challenging test in my life. It hasn't been one of the most challenging, no, it has been THE most challenging. I've experienced loss, heartbreak and desperation, but most importantly, I've experienced struggling against myself. My mental health has been at its lowest point. I have struggled against my waning feelings, my lack of interest in everything I felt passionate about and the exhausting physical feeling of impending doom.

I have to say that the end of my relationship was a blessing in disguise. The morning struggle and everyday anxiety and depressive moods have diminished, which makes my daily life easier. I don't cry everyday. I have days without a single negative feeling in my mind. I laugh hysterically with my roommate and friends, and I have broken free from my auto-imposed perfectionism. I study hard every single day, but at the end of the day I do not feel like my life is pointless, or as if my life was measured by the A+s. If I cannot do it, it's okay.

In spite of the improvement, I still struggle. I struggle with loneliness, and my future prospect of it. I imagined finishing grad school and moving to a new place, and how hard it would be to meet new friends. The other day, I had nightmares about being home alone day after day. I struggle with wanting to be with somebody and the absolute panic it causes me to think about commitment, about going through another painful relationship all over again, the terror it causes me the prospect of being stuck with someone. I have tried to meet new people, and I have, but I cannot connect with them. I have not been able to like someone romantically, the butterflies I used to have are gone. There is no excitement.

I sometimes wish I hadn't been in a relationship, that I'd still be able to be hopeful about true love. But here I am, and I'm dealing with it. I wish I were thankful about having learnt a lesson, but how does that help me now? I cannot see my life going anywhere better, happier or fuller. I live, but just because I have to.

In any case, I can hope for a better future, for being able to feel the beautiful feelings I used to have before. I AM THANKFUL for my loved ones to keep me pushing for a better future. It will come.

- Ane

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